174 Humorous Beer Quotes
and "Normisms"

Here are some great humorous beer quotes I gathered from all over the internet. There are a few quotes dealing with liquor in general, but most are about beer. At the bottom are quotes called "Normisms".  These sayings are from Norm from the old hit sitcom "Cheers!"... Enjoy!

WC Fields and Beer

1. "...there is only one game at the heart of America and that is baseball, and only one beverage to be found sloshing at the depths of our national soul and that is beer." -Peter Richmond

2. "[I recommend]… bread, meat, vegetables and beer." -Sophocles' philosophy of a moderate diet

3. "A bar is better than a newspaper for public discussion." -Jim Parker, on the importance of a healthy pub culture

4. "A little bit of beer is divine medicine." –Paracelsus, Greek physician

5. "A psychologist once said that we know little about the conscience - except that it is soluble in alcohol." - Thomas Blackburn

6. "A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her." -W.C. Fields

7. "After drinking four Martinis, my husband turns into a disgusting beast. And after the fifth, I pass out altogether." - Anonymous

8. "All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer." -Homer Simpson

9. "Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." -Ernest Hemmingway

10. "Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me." -Winston Churchill

11. "An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools." -For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway

12. "An oppressive government is more to be feared than a tiger, or a beer." -Confucius

13. "Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder."

14. "Beer does not make itself properly by itself. It takes an element of mystery and of things that no one can understand." –Fritz Maytag

15. "Beer has food value, but food has no beer value."

16. "Beer he drank - seven goblets. His spirit was loosened. He became hilarious. His heart was glad and his face shown." - from the Epic of Gilgamesh, 3000 B.C.

17. "Beer is a wholesome liquor…it abounds with nourishment" –Dr. Benjamin Rush

18. "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." -Benjamin Franklin

19. "Beer needs baseball, and baseball needs beer - it has always been thus." -Peter Richmond

20. "Beer will always have a definite role in the diet of an individual and can be considered a cog in the wheel of nutritional foods." -Bruce Carlton

21. "Beer will get you through time of no money better than money will get you through times of no beer." - Freddie Freak

22. "Beer, if drunk with moderation, softens the temper, cheers the spirit and promotes health" –Thomas Jefferson

23. "Beer: So much more than just a breakfast drink." -Whitstran Brewery sign

24. "Brewers enjoy working to make beer as much as drinking beer instead of working." -Harold Rudolph

25. "Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth." Steve Allen

26. "Everybody has to believe in something.....I believe I'll have another drink." -W.C. Fields

27. "Fermentation may have been a greater discovery than fire." -David Rains Wallace

28. "Give me a woman who truly loves beer and I will conquer the world" - Kaiser Wilhelm

29. "Give my people plenty of beer, good beer and cheap beer, and you will have no revolution among them" - Queen Victoria

30. "God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?" -Restroom in The Irish Times, Washington DC

31. "He was a wise man who invented beer." -Plato

32. "I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer." -Abraham Lincoln

33. "I drink to make other people interesting." -George Jean Nathan

34. "I drink when I have occasion, and sometimes when I have no occasion" -Miguel De Cervantes

35. "I fear the man who drinks water and so remembers this morning what the rest of us said last night" –Benjamin Franklin

36. "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." -Frank Sinatra

37. "I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me." - Winston Churchill

38. "I never met a pub I didn't like." -Pete Slosberg, Founder of Pete's Brewing Company

39. "I think this would be a good time for a beer." (upon signing the New Deal, paving the way for the repeal of Prohibition) - Franklin D. Roosevelt

40. "I told the stewardess liquor for three." - "Who are the other two? - "Oh, there are no other two."
41. "I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks." –Joe E. Lewis

42. "I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer." -Homer Simpson

43. "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy." - Tom Waits

44. "If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs." -David Daye

45. "If love makes the world go around, then whisky makes it go around twice as fast!" - Compton Mackenzie

46. "If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose." -Deep Thought, Jack Handy

47. "I'm going to buy a boat... do a little traveling, and I'm going to be drinking beer!" -John Welsh, Brooklyn bus driver who won $30 million in the New York lottery

48. "I'm not so think as you drunk I am !" - John Squire

49. "It only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember whether it's the thirteenth or fourteenth." - George Burns

50. "It was a natural as eating and to me as necessary, and I would not have thought of eating a meal without drinking beer"- Ernest Hemingway

How'd you like the first 50 beer quotes? Here are some more.

51. "Let us drink for the replenishment of our strength, not for our sorrow" -Cicero

52. "Let's get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini..." - Mae West

53. "Sir, you’re drunk!" Yes, Madam, I am. But in the morning, I will be sober and you will still be ugly." –Lady Astor and Winston Churchill

54. "Make sure that the beer - four pints a week - goes to the troops under fire before any of the parties in the rear get a drop." -Winston Churchill to his Secretary of War, 1944

55. "May the roof above us never fall in, and may we friends gathered below never fall out." -Old Irish Blessing

56. "May your glass be ever full. May the roof over your head be always strong. And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead." -Old Irish Toast

57. "No soldier can fight unless he is properly fed on beef and beer." -John Churchill, First Duke of Marlborough

58. "No, sir: There is nothing which has yet been contrived by man by which so much happiness is produced as by a good tavern or inn." –Samuel Johnson

59. "Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer." -Dave Barry

60. "Oh, lager beer! It makes good cheer, And proves the poor man's worth; It cools the body through and through, and regulates the health." -Anonymous

61. "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." - Unknown

62. "Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water." - W. C. Fields

63. "One more drink and I'd have been under the host." - Dorothy Parker

64. "One of the hallmarks of the baby boomer generation is that it doesn't live like the previous generation. It hasn't yet given up jeans and T-shirts or beer." -Ron Klugman, SVP, Coors Brewing

65. "People who drink light 'beer' don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot." -Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

66. "Prohibition makes you want to cry into your beer and denies you the beer to cry into." -Don Marquis

67. "Reality is an illusion caused by a lack of good beer."

68. "Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink." -Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

69. "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it." -His reply

70. "The easiest way to spot a wanker in a pub is to look around and find who's drinking a Corona with a slice of lemon in the neck." -Warwick Franks

71. "The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid." Richard Braunstein

72. "The letters in 'Brace Beemer' can be arranged to spell 'Embrace Beer.'" -Dave Barry, referring to the actor who played the Lone Ranger on radio

73. "The mouth of a perfectly happy man is filled with beer" –Ancient Egyptian Wisdom

74. "The problem with some people is that when they are not drunk, they’re sober.”-William Butler Yeats.

75. "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." - Jeff Foxworthy

76. "The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind." -Humphrey Bogart

77. "The roots and herbes beaten and put into new ale or beer and daily drunk, cleareth, strengtheneth and quickeneth the sight of the eyes." -Nicholas Culpeper

78. "The sum of the matter is, the people drink because they wish to drink." -Rudolph Brand

79. "The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober." - Yeats

80. "There is more to life than beer alone, but beer makes those other things even better." -Stephen Morris

81. "They who drink beer will think beer." -Washington Irving

82. "This is grain, which any fool can eat, but for which the Lord intended a more divine means of consumption... Beer!" -Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves, Friar Tuck

83. "Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time." -Catherine Zandonella

84. "We could not now take time for further searche or consideration: our victuals being much spente, especially our beere." - Logbook entry on the Mayflower, December 16, 1620

85. "We old folks have to find our cushions and pillows in our tankards. Strong beer is the milk of the old." -Martin Luther

86. "We should look for someone to eat and drink with before looking for something to eat and drink" -Epicurus

87. "When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer." -Dave Barry

88. "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." -Henny Youngman

89. "Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say, "I'm thirsty, not dirty". Joe Lewis

90. "Who does not love beer, wine, women and song remains a fool his whole life long." -Carl Worner

91. "Whoever serves beer or wine watered down, he himself deserves in them to drown." -Medieval plea for pure libations

92. "Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine." -David Moulton

93. "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." -Dave Barry

94. "Work is the curse of the drinking class." -Oscar Wilde

95. "You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of football team, or some nuclear weapons, but a the very least you need a beer."- Frank Zappa

96. "You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." -Dean Martin

97. “ I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” - Frank Sinatra

98. “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy” - Benjamin Franklin

99. “Beer makes you feel as you ought to feel without beer.” Henry Lawson, Poet and writer.

100. “Beer…. a high and mighty liquor.”- Julius Caesar

101. “History flows forward on rivers of beer.” Anonymous

102. “I drink to make other people interesting.” – George Jean Nathan

103. “If a life of wine, women and song becomes too much, give up singing.”-Mark Schiess

104. “Let no man thirst for good beer.” – Sam Adams

105. “Many battles have been fought and won by soldiers nourished on beer.”-Frederick the Great

106. “Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.” –Dave Barry

107. “One martini is all right. Two are too many, and three are not enough.” – James Thurber

108. “Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true, than be selfish and worry about my liver.” - by Jack Handy

109. “The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle. They’re on TV.” -Homer Simpson

110. “The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.”- George Bernard Shaw

111. “The human intellect owes its superiority over that of the lower animals in great measure to the stimulus which alcohol has given imagination.”-Samuel Butler

112. “There can’t be good living where there is not good drinking.”-Benjamin Franklin

113. “Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case. Coincidence?” - Stephen Wright

114. “What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?” W.C. Fields

115. “When I drink, I think; and when I think, I drink.” –Francois Rabelais

116. “When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading !!!” - Henny Youngman

117. “When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!” - Brian O’Rourke

118. “Work is the curse of the drinking class” – Oscar Wilde

119. “You can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning.” -On label of Founder's Breakfast Stout-Sean Connery (as James Bond)                           

120.  "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day."-George Carlin.


Beer Quotes-Normisms (from the sitcom Cheers!)

Beer Quotes-Normisms from Norm on the sitcom Cheers.Norm (George Wendt) from Cheers!

121. "What'll you have, Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."

122. "What'd you say, Norm?"
"Any cheap, tawdry thing that will get me a beer."

123.  "What would you say to a beer, Norm?"
"Hiya, sailor. New in town?"

124. "Can I draw you a beer, Norm ?"
"No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one."

125. "How's a beer sound, Norm?"
"I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."

126. "What's shaking, Norm?"
"All four cheeks and a couple of chins."

127. "What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?"
"Going Down?"

128. "What's new, Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding beer."

129. "What'll it be, Normie?"
"Just the usual Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel."

130. "What would you say to a beer, Normie?"
"Daddy wuvs you."

131. "What'd you like, Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

(Coming in from the rain)

132. "Evening everybody."
Everybody: "Norm!"
"Still pouring, Norm?"
"That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing."

133. "Whaddya say, Norm?"
"Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink."

134. "Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."

135. "Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."                                      "I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

136. "Beer, Norm?"
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

137. "What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

138. "Hey Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?"
"Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?"

139. "How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.

140. "What's the story, Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

141. "How's about a beer, Norm?"
"That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!"

142. "What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is, `what's going 'in' Mr. Peterson?" A beer, please, Woody."

143. "Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?" "No, for stupid questions."

144. "What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"Another layer for the winter, Wood."

145. "Whatcha up to, Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

146. "How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."

147. "How's life treating you, Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

148. "Women. Can't live with 'em ... pass the beer nuts."

149. "What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

150. "Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."

151. "How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.

152. "What's the story, Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

153. "How's about a beer, Norm?"
"That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!"

154. "What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is, `what's going 'in' Mr. Peterson?" A beer, please, Woody."

155. "Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?" "No, for stupid questions."

156. "Would you like a beer Mr.. Peterson?"
"No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass."

157. "How's life treating you?"                                                                                    
"It's not, Sammy, but you can."

158. "How about a beer, Norm?"                                                                                 "Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life. "

159. "Beer, Normie?"
"Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week. Eh, why not, I'm still young"

160. "Whaddya say, Norm?"                                                                                    "Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes."

161. "What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?"                                                          "Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer."

162. "What's the latest, Mr. Peterson? "                                                                  "Zha-Zha marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer. Film at eleven"

163. "Hey, Mr. Peterson, you got room for a beer?"                                               "Nope, but I am willing to add on."

164. "What can I get you, Norm?"                                                                          [scratching his beard] "Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding. Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers."

165. "Nice cold beer coming up,                                                                                 "You mean, Nice cold beer going down Mr. Peterson"

166. "How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson? "                                                       "Pretty nervous if I was in the room."

167. "What can I do for you, Norm? "                                                                     "Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam"

168. "What's going on, Normie? "                                                                               "My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in it, and I'll blow out my liver."

169. "How's it going, Norm? "
"Cut the small talk and get me a beer."

170. "What can I do for you Norm?"                                                                     "Well, I am going to need something to kill time before my second beer. Uhhh, how about a first one"

171. "What'll you have, Norm?"                                                                             "Fame, fortune, and fast women."                                                                              "How 'bout a beer?"
"Even better."

172. "Beer Norm?"                                                                                                "Does a rag doll have cloth knobs"

173. "Beer Norm?"                                                                                                        "I remember that stuff. Better give me a tall one in case I like it."

174. "What's the story, Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

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